The Peanut Gallery

The importance of having a GODLY support system

A few Years ago my mother-in-law was in a crumbling marriage. She would come to her family and friends to talk about her marriage issues, and since none of us liked the guy anyways we would goad her on. We would tell her what a looser he was, that she deserved better. We would repeatedly hash out all of the idiotic things he did and character flaws that he had. We stood there as if on the side of a boxing ring cheering her on as she beat on her opponent, even screaming tips on how to best take him down. Eventually she finished it by divorcing her husband, much to the chagrin of her friends and family. We all patted her on the back and congratulated her on her "victory", none of us caring to realize how beat up she was.

A few months later it came out that she was seeing him again, hiding the relationship from us all. We were all frustrated and angry. We couldn’t believe that after all the crap that we had all gone through in dealing with their relationship and divorce, that she would go back to him.

When confronted she would say, "But were going to church!"

To which we would respond, "Yeah sure, we'll see how long that lasts, just long enough for him to move back in! Don’t bring him around us, we want nothing to do with this relationship!"

6 more months passed and we get word that they are getting remarried. None of us were happy. She had asked us all to come and we were plotting how we would protest. We were thinking of doing horrible things, like all going, wearing black and walking out in the middle of the ceremony. But the final decision was that no one was going to go.

Both my husband and I were so angry at the situation, but as we had time to sit with it, we started to get heavy hearts. After talking about it we decided that the Lord was telling us we needed to go. I wanted so badly to fight God on this! I would go, but I wasn’t going to like it, and I would let everyone know as much!!!!

Well, God wasn’t about to let me off the hook that easily! I was praying, "God WHY?!!?! Why why why?!" Boy, I was NOT prepared for what I got next.

"They are getting married whether you are there or not, and once they are married, it is your job as their sister in Christ to hold them accountable to the oath and commitment they are making to ME."

....................Don’t you hate it when God spanks you? Man, did I have some repenting to do! For years I had bashed on their marriage, told her to leave, encouraged her when she was being a bad wife and was mad when she was restoring her marriage as the Lord would want her to do! I had been hindering the Lords work and I had been wrong.

So we went to that wedding. My husband, our two girls and I were the only family that she had there. My husband gave his mother away and we all cried. After the ceremony I had to go to both of them and repent for my part in their divorce, asking for their forgiveness and promising that from here on out I would be a champion of their marriage and that I would help hold them accountable to God for the Vows they made to Him.

You see, a good support system is so important to your marriage. Had she had people around her from the start pointing her to the Word, praying for the health and strength of her marriage and working with her to preserve it, I highly doubt that they would have gotten divorced in the first place. Instead when she came to us she would be encouraged to be disrespectful, hatful and angry towards her husband.

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"Likewise, teach the older women to be reverent in the way they live, not to be slanderers or addicted to much wine, but to teach what is good. Then they can urge the younger women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind, and to be subject to their husbands, so that no one will malign the word of God." - Titus 2:3-5

I have to laugh at this a little because it is not our tendency to look for advice from someone who will tell us when were wrong! We tend to look for people who agree with us, people who will be on our side. The Lords will for us is to have people around us who will tell us, lovingly, when we need to stop and look at the Word.

In this vein, part of my promise to my mother-in-law was that when she came to us with problems in her marriage, instead of talking about what her husband did wrong, I would ask her what her part in the problem was and what SHE could be doing better. I would refuse to fuel her fire.

More often than not when we are with our peanut gallery we are looking for them cheer us on and to agree with us when we talk about that stupid things our spouse does/did that gets our blood boiling. We want for them to be on our team, the problem with this is that instead of helping the person, you are really hurting them.

Look at marriage as a house. A married couple lives in that house and has a really bad habit of starting little fires. Most fires the couple can handle themselves and put out, but occasionally there is a fire that they need help with. This is when they run to their neighbors for help. Some neighbors will come with fire extinguishers and others will come with gasoline. Who do you want to help save that house?

You’re thinking, "Well, duh! Get away from my house with gasoline!!!!" It seems so simple when you think about it that way, but the reality is that friends who goad you on when you’re fighting, friends that tell you to leave, they are gasoline to your house and you’re standing back asking for them to add more!!

Take account of your friends, do you have friends that get in on the action when you are mucking about your spouse? Do you have friends that use the word "divorce", that tell you to leave? These tend to be friends that are single or have a miserable marriage themselves. STAY AWAY from these people for marital advice! Your single friends tend not to understand married life and they would love for you to be single again, out on the town with them. And you know that saying, "misery loves company"? Well that is true for your friends who are in a bad marital situation. They tend to want to commiserate with you about how horrible marriage is and how horrible your spouses are. These are NOT people who you want to be getting marital advice from! That’s like going to the homeless guy and asking him for financial advice!

Now I want you to think about how many people you have around you that try to nurture and cultivate your marriage. How many Godly people do you have around you that listen when you muck and then lovingly point out YOUR faults? How many friends do you have that will pray with you about your marriage? How many friends do you have, that when you ask "Can I stay here for the night?!" Turn you away and tell you to stop running from your problems? THESE few people are the ones that you need to go to for marital issues!

I will never forget something a pastor said once when talking about marriage, he suggested that your spouse approve the list of people in your peanut gallery. The idea being here that your spouse will know that the person you are going to for advice has their head on straight and will be giving you good, godly advice. This works on so many levels! Not only will you have people on your list that will give you good advice, but YOU can be confident that the person your spouse is going to will be giving them good advice. You won’t have to worry that Derek Drinksalot will be telling your hubby to leave, or that Patty Partyhard will be telling wifey that she would have so much more fun at the club then with you! It truly takes a whole layer of stress out of those big arguments. You can have peace in knowing that your spouse will come back to you with a firm dose of the Word.

Here’s the really big question, what type of friend are you!? Pray about this! I promise you that you do NOT want to realize upon a friends divorce that you could have been the difference in their marriage. I encourage you to give the kind of advice that you would want someone to be giving to your spouse.

Be in prayer; seek the Lords guidance on who He would have you go to for marital advice. Choose wisely the people in your peanut gallery; remember that the difference between a fire extinguisher and gasoline is huge!

Love is an ACTION Word

I just want to start by saying that this is written from frustrations and sadness. I look around and I see marriages broken, families fractured all because we have changed love from an action into a feeling. We, as a society, have forgotten the parts of the vows that say "for better or worse". I recently heard one woman say that the reason for leaving her marriage was because shes "didn't feel passion" for her husband any more...... WHAT!? This isn't what the Bible tells us! But besides being frustrated, I'm broken hearted. So many broken hearts, dreams and family's because of this "love"ly lie. So any ways. Here is my view on the matter.

We all know 1 Corinthians 13: 4-7. Paul lays out for us the traits of love; Patients, kindness, it does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. It does not fail.

 All of these traits are not things that we as humans cant fully accomplish on our own. Paul here isn’t describing how he feels about a Woman, or what he is hoping for in an earthly relationship some day. He is telling us about the perfect love of our Savior. A love that He fills us with and we are able to exhibit once we are filled with the Holy Spirit. This is important because without a Christ kind of love it is impossible to forgive, submit, lead, be selfless, ect.

 Its important as we talk about marriage to look at love from a Biblical perspective. We live in a culture that has confused Lust with Love, a culture that has made Love an emotion. When we look at 1 Corinthians 13 we see that love does things, love is an action.

 We want so desperately to have “passion” and “butterflies” when the reality is that those things are fleeting and fit more soundly under the heading of “lust”. Don’t get me wrong! It is good to lust after you SPOUSE, but it is NOT something to build your marriage around.

 When you consider a biblical perspective, what we now consider “love” had NOTHING to do with marriage during the time that the Bible was written. The Lord told wives to submit to their husbands and for husbands to be so committed to their wives that they would lay down their lives during a time when marriages were arranged!

 Can you imagine being married to a man that you met on your wedding day and being told by the Lord to love them?! You cant imagine can you? That is because our definition of love is SO wrong!
Love is not something that you can fall in and out of. If that were the case it would depend on the day whether the Lord loved us or not! You see terms in Corinthians such as “love ALWAYS” ending with “it DOES NOT FAIL”. Quite contrary to the “I’ve fallen out of love” or “I just don’t have passion for you any more”!

 If you are sitting, reading this blog, and there is an emptiness in you, a need and a desire for something deeper, for passion, for fulfillment and you are looking to your spouse to fill those roles, you are going to be let down. There is only ONE man who can fulfill you, only ONE relationship that can complete you on the deepest levels and that is Christ. If you are searching those things out in your spouse, you are putting them in the role of your functional savior, a role that they can’t even begin to fill.

 Your relationship with Christ needs to be one that you are complete in Him, needing nothing from your spouse to make you truly happy. When there is no passion in your marriage, there is passion in Christ. When companionship is lacking, there is companionship with Christ. When YOU are lacking in your role(which I promise you, you are) the Lord is graceful and shines through in those moments.
A marriage that works is one where Christ is the center of both parties and center of the marriage. When you are lacking your partner exercises a Christ kind of love and loves you when you don’t deserve it because love is patient, kind and does NOT fail.

 The love we are called to as Christians is not an emotion, it is an action. An action that we must choose to make all the time. Love is not something that you fall in and out of, it is not butterflies and it is not passion. Love is being kind when the person doesn’t deserve it. Love is protecting someone who has hurt you. Love is trusting, that even in a marriage where you can’t stand your spouse, that the Lord will be faithful to fix, repair and fulfill as long as you are willing to take the actions of love, even when you don’t have the feelings of lust.

Without a Christ kind of love, the action, your marriage will fail.